Flattened Preserved Alligators Aren’t for Stealing

These guys in Michigan were busted for taking a taxidermied alligator off-roading. I am fully aware of how that sentence sounds.

The alligator was “flattened,” but not during the off-roading. Rather it was preserved looking flattened. I am not sure if that is how the alligator met his destiny, as the article does not say.

In fact, the article is really short on the important details, like, who has a flattened taxidermy alligator? Why did they think said alligator would enjoy off-roading? How much alcohol did they consume before and during this adventure?

Most importantly, how’d that alligator get into the barn in Michigan in the first place? Me being me, I would never believe anything so dull as the person bought him off ebay.

No, in my head, the alligator journeyed northward in search of excitement, wanting to put his cold blood to the test. Following the alluring smell of the goats in the barn (please note, these goats are entirely fictional, and thus their impending eating does not actually harm any non-fictional goats), he did not see the loose beam coming.

Or something like that.

Probably someone had the alligator skin and thought it looked cool unstuffed, and left it mainly that way.

I like my version better.

By the way, don’t steal flattened preserved alligators.

It’s not nice.

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